Without further ado, without further delay, the time is upon us TMS presents:

The Adventures of Tribat and Triard 6:

The Codfather

The sun rose above the distant watery cavern known as Lake Hylia.  Its rays of light broke through the dense black blanket that was night.  Its rays pierced every crevice in the ancient land of Hyrule below, and one beam, as if driven by some unknown force fell upon a Treehouse somewhere in the lost woods.

“Tribat I thought I told you to shut those curtains last night! Now its gone and woken me up!”

Tribat Grunted in response.

Triard glared at him “Well sod this, I’m going back to sleep!” Triard just managed to close his eyes where once again, somewhere off in the distance, a cockerel hollered. 
“Triard, have you ever seen that dam cockerel?”
“Nope, I’ve never been able to find the thing, but back when my Hermit phase kicked in I gave up the hunt, had more pressing things to worry about, like where to wash my beard, how to make a tunic out of nothing but leaves.  But I guess it’s off in some form of mountain range somewhere, after all it sounds as if its call is echoing. Tribat? Tribat…TRIBAT!”  Tribat awoke with a start. “Sorry, I was tired, you didn’t think I asked you to recite me a tale for the benefit of broadening my knowledge now did you?”
“Well…no, not really - That bloody Cockerel’s call is still echoing! SHUT UP!”

Triard leapt out of bed and decided to get dressed, it looked like he wouldn’t be getting any more sleep today.  “You know it’s odd Tribat, we have been in Hyrule all of this time, I mean surely this would be someone’s greatest wish. To get lost here, to meet nearly everyone who appears in his or her (politically correct) favourite video game, but now we are here I’ve come to the conclusion.  There is sod all to do.”  He walked to the window and peered out, all that filled his gaze were trees, yet he continued starring, as if looking beyond the trees, looking for something more, hidden in the vast jungle of fear and doubt.“I mean look, we can traipse over Hyrule field, go to the market, go to the ranch, annoy the Kokiri -but it all looses it’s interest after the 47^th millionth time you do it.”

“Cool, I had no idea we did all those things 47 million times, but also I’m sure there’s tons left to do”.  Triard removed his face from his clasped hands, “Really, what?”
“Well we could go to, um…Lake Hylia, could go annoy the Great Deku Tree we could…” Tribat’s list continued like that for some time, during which many an oddity was mentioned.  At last Triard spoke,   “OK, OK, so there are things to do, I suppose it’s up to us to find stuff to do really, I mean it’s not as if we are ever going to get home.  That thunderstorm a few months ago, you know before the Hylian guard sent us that draft letter, well the lightning shorted out the Kokiri phone line, your Laptop aint got a cat’s chance in hell of working now!”

(When we say shorted out we really mean fried to a crisp, the Kokiri have a very high fondness for using wood)

Triard leapt back onto his bed when there was suddenly a tiny rapping on the window, followed by a very high pitched “HEY!”

“Oh no” Triard muffled into his pillow, “not her, please no not today, it’s too early!”

The window flew open and in came Navi. “I know something you don’t know!”

“Really, what’s that then oh annoying one?”

“It’s a surprise” with that she continued flying around the treehouse like some annoying pest you just cant wait to swat, but before anything could be done there was a large rapping at the door.  Tribat got up to answer it, but just as his fingers reached the handle he was forced backwards as the door hit him squarely in the face.

“RIGHT, YOU SORRY EXCUSES, YOUR PUNISHMENT HAS BEEN DECIDED, I HOPE YOU BOTH ENJOY THE HELL YOU ARE BEING SENT TO…” demonic laughter echoed after Hootenanny as he left.

“HEY! I’m off too, just wanted to see that!” Navi swiftly followed the general into the woods, reciting words of praise and admiration. 

Tribat struggled back to his feet whilst nursing his nose, “what the hell was that all about?”

“Your favourite general has paid us a visit, and he left us this letter. Great, looks like the day is going to pick up after all” Triard hit his head against the wall, causing the house to shake, and the owl outside to fall.

“Triard?”

 “What”?

“I blame you”

“What For?!?!”

“If you hadn’t have asked for something to do then he wouldn’t have shown up and given us this!” Tribat picked the letter up off the floor.

“Yeah he would have, its called punishment, you know for leading the new Hylian recruits into mortal danger.”

“I never led them, merely told them to pursue the beast, it was their fault they got captured!”

“Yeah ok, whatever! Oh well lets get it over with, go on, open the dam thing” Triard gestured towards the letter.

“You open it, I dun want this pretty face blown off!” Triard raised his eyebrow, “fine give it here”

He slowly began to pick at the seal, as it loosened he pointed the letter towards Tribat and ripped the envelope open. Dropping it quickly they both dived behind the nearest available piece of furniture.  After about two minutes Tribat’s head popped up from behind the cooker. “Psst…Triard, is it safe?”

A muffled voice from beneath the chair responded, “I don’t know, go look”

“You go look”

“Fine on the count of three - 1…2…3”. Tribat leapt up from behind the cooker, and to his surprise found himself standing by the envelope alone.

“So, guess it is safe then” came Triard’s rather amused voice.

Triard scrambled out of his hiding place, a look of amusement upon his wicked face. Tribat was not at all amused by the stunt.

“Oh for petty sake Tribat, pull yourself together man and pick up the envelope and read it out loud - You need to practice your reading after all”, Triard said rather disdainfully. Mumbling a curse, a rather rude one at that, Tribat grabbed at the envelope, quickly pulling the letter from inside he read

“Dear Most Dubious Misfits and Outcasts of Hyrule,

As punishment for your most outrageous antics I have decided to put you on clean up duty in Zora Domain, with your mop and brush you shall be expected to clean various Zora dung and other such vile oddities. Please read the next 40 repetitions of the word fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools fools. By the time you have completed reading that you should have noticed that the Hylian Guard Bailiffs have already removed all items of property from you’re treehouse, and handcuffed your hands together.

                Bwahaha. Bwahaha. Bwahaha and other such mocking taunts. 

                (Please Read Aloud: GUARDS! TAKE US AWAY! )

                                Yours sincerely – General Raymond Albert Hootenanny”

“Oh Congratulations Tribat, see, most people would have the common sense to read “Let them free guards” or “They’re innocent un-cuff them” but you, nooo, you gotta read out “Take them away!” Triard practically howled, he would have hit Tribat for his incompetence, but Triard’s hands were cuffed together.

The leader guard, quite obviously the lead guard due to his big shiny helmet and funny red feather in his hat announced rather loudly, quite proud with himself it seemed. “Gee shucks ya’ll, we has certainly done these good and proper, off we goes to Zora’s Domain, come on boys” and so the yokal guard and his 240 henchmen filed out of the treehouse, dragging the pitiful wrecks of Tribat and Triard behind them.

The rather large group marched through Kokiri forest, tearing apart the fields of crops that the Kokiri had worked so hard to nurture.

The group continued its march across the Kokiri Bridge and out into the cold clear world of Hyrule, whilst singing a hefty song about how the guards go marching two by two, (hoorah, hoorah). They approached the edge of the Zora River and the troop stopped.  The lead guard approached and produced a large measuring tape from his belt, he inserted it into the slow moving water “The water is too deep, we shall construct a human bridge in which to cross.” He grabbed the closest guards and they immediately lied face down in the water.  The rest of the group continued their route over the human bridge and into the entrance of the Zora River.  The lead guard posted new guards at the foot of the falls to prevent escape, and the rest of the group, Tribat and Triard in tow continued up the Zora river path.

After what seemed like a lifetime, some rather needless bean buying and use of chickens to get to the other side of the river, some frog serenading and climbing of wooden ladders undisturbed by the natural weathering waters of the Zora realm, our two daring heroes, accompanied by two guards were at the entrance to Zora’s Domain.  The guards were rather tall, and very serious looking, despite this Triard continued to carry out the plan he had been concocting since his arrival on this dastardly trail.  Picking a rock up with his foot he kicked it over the guards heads, causing them to turn as it hit the wall on the other side. Taking this opportunity Triard began working at his handcuffed wrist, to his surprise it opened with great ease, the Hylian Guard budget had been greatly reduced this year and it seemed lock mechanisms were on the chopping board.  Now free Triard dived into the watery pools bellow, getting caught in the swift current he began his decent back to the Zora Path entrance.  Freedom was in his grasp once again.  As he saw the cavern opening he let out a sigh of relief.

The guards brought Triard back to the entrance to Zora’s Domain very quickly. Soaking wet and angry that he had forgotten that Guards had been posted, he sat cross-legged on the floor.

The other guards satisfied that nothing had actually hit the wall next to them turned back around.

One of them removed their helmet, revealing long flowing hair, which fell passed his shoulders, he reached into his top pocket and pulled out a pair of designer sunglasses.  Placing them about his face the other guard produced a rather elegant electric Guitar, complete with portable amp and the Hylian Guard coat of arms proudly embedded about it’s head.  The Rocker – Guard took up his tool, and after a hefty cry of “HELLO ZORA’S DOMAIN” and a rather obvious hand gesture he began playing a very rocked up version of Zelda’s Lullaby.  To the guards dismay the door remained closed, and the waterfall flowed as fast as it had before.

Disgusted Tribat raised his hand and swiftly knocked the glasses from the guard’s head, placing them over his own eyes and snatching the guitar he began “No..no.no…Like This!” He then continued playing a rather good solo for about 5 minutes, during which time Triard had started rocking back and forth muttering inaudible words of anger and stupidity.  Finishing with a large jump in the air and slide on the knees Tribat handed the Guitar back to the guard “There.”  With that the entrance opened and Triard sprang to his feet. “Great going Tribat, play the song that opens the door to where we are being sent to BE PUNISHED. GREAT GOING!” Triard would have continued but he felt two gruff hands about his shoulders and was quickly silenced as he was thrown through the threshold.

He landed with a loud *thudump* on the other side, quickly followed by Tribat who landed on top of him.

Tribat cowered slightly and made various whimpering noises (noises he had perfected to an art) from Triard who had a look of eternal fury upon his face, as he spoke his voice was vicious and furious. "TWICE?! Twice your impudence and impotence has doomed us to punishment! Damn it! Your foolishness would be laughable if it didn't doom me as well! "
Seemingly from nowhere a voice floated into the room, a dark and menacing voice, eerily ringing around the chamber. It sounded male but Triard honestly wasn't too sure. "Now, now boys, don't fight there’s some good lads, got lots of work for you to do!" from the shadows stepped forward a rather tall lanky Zora outfitted in a splendid pink suit "Honestly boys, oh, here's your mops, now you take these and you just wipe away so the piffle don’t stick, oh so much to do! Now honeys don't you worry I'm sure you'll do a marvellous job, that Ruto has drawn graffiti once again, I know it was her, oh what is a Zora to do" he muttered whilst handing two rather unused mops to Tribat and Triard. He then proceeded to wonder off still muttering about Ruto.
Tribat and Triard's jaws seemed to be slightly a gap. Tribat recovering before Triard proceeded to mop away while singing a little chantey about whistling and working. Triard had a look of utter contempt upon his face however and threw the mop down in disgust!
"Why should we clean?! We defeated the Cucco armies of Hyrule, we were soldiers in the Hylian army, we ARE webmasters of the Greatest Zelda Site in existence, why on earth should we clean.... Like just thin..." he stopped mid sentence, his eyes widening a large degree and his mouth moving soundlessly "Err... Tribat, something has a firm grip on my rear posterior" he muttered.
Tribat simply laughed it off and nodded as he continued his mopping "Yep it's Ruto, she does seem to be rather enjoying herself, Alright Ruto!" he practically shouted the last few words of the sentence and a female voice seemed to echo back "Yep I'm fine diddly Tribat!"

“Now…we mop!” Tribat returned to his whistling, and surprisingly good mopping technique.  Triard joined in and eventually the entire walkway was clean.  It was a very strenuous business, and one that seemed to take a very long time. It appeared as if this underground getaway had not been cleaned in eons, odd considering it is a vast pit of easily accessible water.  Still they mopped, and mopped some more. They paused only for a moment, to initiate a very cleverly disguised change of water.  As the brown of the dirt infested water spread out through the beautiful pool of the Zora dominion, Tribat and Triard edged away sideways, whistling and suddenly continuing to mop.

A further hour of going over the same area finally got to the usually calm nerved and steel witted Triard, “THIS IS BLOODY POINTLESS! Can’t we just flood this place for a while and be done with it?!” he exclaimed throwing his mop down in protest. “Well yes we could” Tribat paused to pick up Triard’s mop “but that would leave the nasty sea smell on everything, so as your commander and chief I say – MOP!” Tribat continued his jaunty tune and left Triard standing there in shock. “Idiot” he muttered under his breath, before continuing his own little mopping jaunty, something about Tribat that is best not uttered here.

Finally night came, or so they believed it to be as many Zora’s emerged from the waters to adorn pyjama jumpsuits, only to return just as quickly.  Discarding his mop in a fit of rage and relief Triard sat down, his legs dangling off the bank.  Tribat carefully picked up the mop and returned it, along with his and both their buckets to the broom closet.  “Ah, a good days work Triard, I can’t wait to start again tomorrow!” Tribat came over and stood next to Triard, resisting the urge to swipe Tribat’s feet and send him screaming into the watery cavern bellow he leaned backwards and attempted to fall asleep.

“Soooooooooooooo Triard, what shall we do now?”

“Sleep”

“No, sleep is for weaklings, come on lets do something, how about fishing? Hey you like fishing come on lets go fishing!”

“I don’t like fishing! Never have.”

“So you don’t wana go fishing?”

“No!”

“Hehe, we could pretend to escape, and make the Zora’s come and look for us in the morning!”

“Tribat! You’re a genius”

“Stop putting me down, you always take the piss”

Triard slapped a hand to his face, “I didn’t, but think, we could ACTUALLY escape, can you swim?”

“See look your doing it again!”

“Ok never mind we shall sleep tonight for tomorrow, we escape!”

“YEAH ESCAPE!”

“Shut up you fool!”

And so Triard turned to depart and as he departed he heard a small voice echo after him, well less of an echo more of a dastardly scream in fact. "I CAN SWIM YOU FIEND!" it called, and Triard ignored it. The night passed without incident, well so Triard thought for as he awoke suddenly the entire domain of the Zora's was rife with talk of a war! Apparently the most despicable Ganondorf had kidnapped the fiancé of Princess Ruto!

 In preparation for the coming war Tribat and Triard were assigned mop up duty and Tribat for one felt very privileged.

"Can you believe it Triard? You and me! Mopping up the floor for a WAR!" Tribat spluttered.

"Are you regressing mentally or something?" questioned Triard.

"I'm not sure?! How would I know? Does this regressing thing hurt???"

"Oh shut up and just mop, we still have to escape damn it"

"RIGHTIO! ESCAPE!"

"Oh by Navi you are an idiot aren't you?"

"Maybe."

"Oh whatever, now don't forget Tribat we need a torch for our break to freedom, you must get and light the torch!"

"Ok I promise I'll get it"

Our friendly duo spent the rest of the day mopping, of course Tribat thoroughly enjoyed the escapade, Triard however did not. As darkness descended on the idyllic paradise of Zora's Domain two shadows crept in the night, well one crept the other marched along muttering something about escaping. The two small forms crept and crept and at last they reached the entrance from where they would escape. A shadowed face turned to the other and spoke in a voice most contemptible.

"Ok Tribat" it whispered, "Light the torch"

"What Torch?"

"The one I told you to get you Cucco-Brained fool!"

"What torch?"

"The one you promised you would get you unreliable buffoon!"

"Er... I'm sorry..."

"grr! Look we have to go and get a torch, look I think I see one down there, go get it, honestly Tribat"

So with this Tribat marched to the source of light and sure enough there in the bracket was a brightly burning torch, its illumination displayed a smile of satisfaction upon his face. Gripping it gingerly he suddenly noticed how windy it was, and also how he would never get it to Triard without it going out! Beginning to panic he called to his comrade for aid and they noticed a whole line of unlit torches along the wall.

"Maybe if we light them all in order the last one will stay alight?" pondered Triard. Tribat simply nodded in understanding and with that he lit the first unlit torch, then he passed the torch to Triard whom lit the second, he then lit the third but the first went out! Then the second went out, then the third! Triard threw a fist to the wall in anger!

"Gosh darn it! They keep going out, ok we gotta do this fast all right!"

"Fast? That wouldn't involve running would it?"

"Well yes I guess it would"

"But I don't wanna run"

"Oh you could do with the exercise you lazy bum, look lets just try this now...GO!"

Tribat ran as fast as his poor little legs would carry him and lit the first torch, flinging the torch to Triard whom shoved it into the second torch which lit. Tribat ran to the third torch as Triard chucked the torch to him, lighting the third torch he threw the torch to Triard. Of course I think I should point out Tribat had never had good aim, in fact his aim often left a lot to be desired. The torch struck Triard in the leg.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWW! You Sportily-Challenged Twit!" a rather pained Triard howled at the most pitiful form of Tribat. As Triard leapt about on one foot attempting to put the fire out Tribat began chucking handfuls of water at Triard in the hope of quelling the fire. During his hopping Triard slipped, his limber form crashing against the wall and seeming to pass through it. Startled Tribat leapt after.

Triard felt himself falling and then a thud, a thud that hurt oddly enough. Triard then heard a howl and felt another thud, this thud also hurt. Seeing the weeping form of Tribat collapsed over him he glanced to his right, there sat around a round table, some slightly overweight Zora’s covered in gold jewellery, many of whom supped on Cigars and all held a hand of cards (with many having cards shoved in shirt sleeves).

"Who are you?!" a baffled Triard shouted at the group. The leader narrowed his eyes most viciously and spoke in a thick accent.

"We are the Zora Mafia"

“The Zora who?”

“The Zora Mafia, and as punishment for delving into our secretive chambers, and preventing me from cunningly yet suavely palming these cards you shall both, as in the two of you, together, be thrown as sacrifice upon my mighty blade”

“With that amount of jewellery I’d say it was less mighty, a little over compensating if you get my drift”

The Zora let out a mighty growl that echoed and shock the very chamber, “What is your name you unruly peasant?”

“I be Tribat, of the Kokiri folk”

“Well Tribat of Kokiri, it would wizen you to learn that we do not take kindly to insults!”

“That’s why they’re called insults…”

“SILENCE FOOL. As I was saying you shall both be immediately, on the spot, right this very instance, silenced beyond all hope of expression. VULVA! My blade.”

A hagid creature emerged from the darkness, dragging it’s withered feet, with a knarred hand it reached forward and gave the Zora the blade that he so very much desired. Clasping his sword he bade the two worthless creatures in front of him a fond farewell “Say your goodbyes my little cherubs, for the time will soon come when breath you shall no longer draw, or no longer shall ye draw breath.  But before I end your lives, send you to the abyss, dispose of your kindliness, send you to sleep with the fishes and issue you with concrete slippers I shall reveal our entire dastardly plan that will take a very long time to explain and give you the superb opportunity to form an escape strategy or for re-enforcements to arrive.” He took a deep breath and drew up a chair. “It all began back in a peaceful time…”

-          (This is a very long and boring account that originally spanned many days and many long, long, LONG hours…so seriously for your benefit its being boiled down to the bare essentials, the original speech given by the Godfather of all Zora’s is coincidentally available in the gift shop, or from all good sleep therapist classes. Ok time to get to the good bit, sorry to slow you down.)

“… And so it brings us to the great debate of 25 years ago, we quite simply were bored of the colour blue and of the stone that was once regarded higher than any other amongst our race and the race of others…”

-          (Ok so remember we told you his speech was long, well it was VERY long.)

“…So for the past few months we have been concocting a clever scheme to finally over throw and out-do our greatest of foes and take from them what should rightfully be ours, our dignity!  Unfortunately we have been un-successful at deploying spies, simply because we have none and us Zora’s in any other environment tend not to go unnoticed.  Therefore our inside recognisance of their top-secret base has been all of…well non-existent. If only we could get one person inside, who had a slight familiarity with the location, and be able to navigate between the Cuccos unscathed and un-noticed. But alas I’ve said to much, time to die!” He rose out of his chair and raised his arm up high – “WAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT, Triard here knows the location like the back of his hand, he was once cucified you know. Honestly it took weeks for him to get rid of that smell” Tribat leaned in to Triard and sniffed “Well, for it to die down anyway.”

“Oh no, seriously, I’d rather die than go back to that hell hole, Cucco Lady, not her, she’s not all that innocent you know, she told me…THINGS did…THINGS – I wont go back and you cant make me, aint no way, AINT NO HOW!” Triard leapt up and positioned his throat at blade height “Go For it Daddy, nice and quick, you know you want to!”

“Really this snivelling wreck hanging off my blade has been into their strong hold?”

“Yuppity, he’s usually more composed, amazed how someone when ensnared with mortal fear can lose all composure.”

“Indeed, VULVA, you may handle my blade, but gently this time, you hurt when you snatch”
Vulva slowly made her way once again, and with a surprisingly hard kick removed Triard from the blade, and taking it from her master she returned to the gloom. 

“Wonderful woman makes fantastic pies…so fiends! I have spared your lives, in return you shall provide us with favours both sexual and political”

“Those two always seem to come as a pair”

“Ok just political then, you Triard of Kokiri, along with you Tribat of forest folk shall delve deep inside the stronghold of the enemy and provide us with the necessary information! Those bastards will pay for pouring salt into Zora’s Domain!”

A large flash filled the room, as the smoke cleared our two heroes stood there alone, frightened and perplexed, confused and dazzled, and jumping as the door in the far corner slammed shut as the last Zora ran through giggling.  

A despicable smirk crept across Tribat’s face, "Triard! We're gonna be like Bugsy Malone, and...and like the bloke in the Godfather! And lets put it too the mattresses, yea, yea!" he howled as he began moving about making Tommy gun noises while pretending to be one. Triard of course was not impressed nor amused, in fact he was neither!
"I never truly realized how much intelligence you actually lacked Tribat until this moment, we're going to die!"
Tribat shrugged and poked Triard most immaturely "How do you work that out then big guy? Huh? Huh? If those Cuccos try any funny business I'll unleash my kung fu moves like last time, for I am Tribat the Mighty!" with this he ceased the gun noises and began waving his bread knife about in a most odd like fashion.
"You don't know kung fu! You had one lesson in Karate after seeing Power Rangers then got bored and quit! And last time you didn't use kung fu moves, you fell from the ceiling if I recall!"
"I unmasked the Cucco leaders true identity! Chicken Lady!"
"No you didn't! Your shirt got caught in her zip you silly person you"
Tribat’s face began to quiver a bit and his eyes watered up, as he spoke his voice came out broken and dismayed and he howled "Shuddup!" before running away in a most flail like erratic manner.

And so Tribat and Triard, our relatively un-dynamic duo, returned to mopping, waiting with anticipation for the fateful day when their instructions to invade the enemy would be made clear. Then on one fateful minute a few hours after finding the Zora Mafia a small mustached Zora crept up on them!
"Hey! 'Ow you dooooo-en!" he muttered in a most un-Zora like accent.
"I'm doing jolly good myself! How about you my most odd like Zora friend?" Tribat replied most cheerfully, he really did like mopping, and with that the Zora hit him and Tribat over the head.

Triard awoke with a relatively splitting headache, in fact it was a bit worse than splitting, it was groin grippingly splitting. But moving on as he awoke he noticed the semi conscious form of Tribat sprawled next to him and muttered "Oh why do we always seem to end up unconscious". Glancing around he noticed a piece of paper posted on the door; intrigued he went and read the paper "Suit Up, You Depart 0800 hours! Good Work Soldiers - General Hootenanny." Triard’s eyes shot open wide, his mouth hung open in shock (something else hung but they normally do 24/7). Thoughts raced through his mind "what could General Hootenanny have to do with this whole thing?" "What did he mean suit up", "Why doesn't chicken dung smell come out in the bath?” His thoughts were interrupted by a high-pitched squeal of some sort, spinning he saw Tribat clutching some kind of rubber outfit.

"WEEEEEEEEEEEE! Look Triard! We got costumes! And weapons! And, and, and stuff!” Indeed Triard noted Tribat spoke the truth for there in the room were two highly complex rubber suits, belts with all sorts of gadgets attached, gloves, boots everything a super hero could wish for. "Ok Lets get kitted up" a somewhat intrigued Triard muttered. So they soon began slipping on all the junk and cool things that had been given to them. Triard noted Tribat was taking quite a while to suit up however; in fact he was doing everything in slow motion with a look of determination on his face.

"By Navi Tribat! What are you doing?! Hurry up"
A cold stone-like voice shot back "I cannot."
"Oh what madness has gripped you now, just hurry up"
"It's a kit up scene! I cannot hurry we must put everything on slowly and look ready to kick arse"
"Says who?"
"Oh poor Triard, you never have seen a Batman film have you?"

Triard simply rolled his eyes and suddenly remembered the note, perplexed he glanced at Tribat "Tribat, the note over there telling us to kit up was signed General Hootenanny..."
Tribat slammed his fist into his palm and raised an eyebrow quite high in fact "Holy Cucco Pooping Chicken Ladies Triard-Man! A conspiracy!"
"Stop That."
Tribat immediately un-arched his eyebrow and put his hands to his sides "Ok" he said with a sigh.

When Tribat had finally gotten into all of his shockingly tight get-up Triard foresaw a problem, “Right, we depart at 0800 hours, one neither of us have watches, and two where do we depart too?”
”Must I think of everything dear Triard, bless your simple mind – a good spy always checks their pockets!” With that Tribat delved into one of his side pockets and pulled out a thick document entitled “Operation D.I.E Delve into enemy base, (unfortunately the b had peeled off, leaving this rather ominous parchment).  “Let’s see” Tribat began flicking through the pages as Triard came to join him, skipping the first few chapters full of “do’s” and “don’ts”, and the gadget instruction manuals they finally came to the small paragraph at the very bottom of the last page:

‘Now you have finally learned all there is to know, and the proper code of conduct as well as the top- secret spy skills and gadget instructions you are ready to learn of your objective, Infiltrate the Cucco warehouse and replace their feed with special chemical XX-01.  Under no circumstances are you to mix up this chemical with XX-02. Since you already know the proper use of these chemicals and how to distinguish them from one another and also how to ensure they do not combust whilst upon your person’s - you are ready to depart. Good Luck and drop this book!’

Tribat dropped the book as it burst into flames. “There, see now let’s go!”

“But how, and what are chemicals XX-01 and XX-02?  Damn, I really think we should have read all of those other pages”

“Poppy Cock! Manuals are for wimps, come my heroically challenged chum – LET US LEAVE THIS PLACE!”

Tribat walked towards the single torch on the wall, “you see, rule number one, secret hideaways always have secret corridors and tunnels” he reached up and pulled with all of his might, suddenly the wall bracket gave way and the torch fell to the floor scorching Tribat’s legs.

Triard smirked “Wow what goes around does come around, cool. So mastermind, what do you suppose we do now? Perhaps there’s a secret code, or a voice command, or even a secret button in the head of a statue.”
Tribat glared and slouched to the floor, “well fine, why don’t YOU try one of those then”
Triard decided to humour him “Fine” in a deep and commanding voice Triard bellowed “OPEN SESEME” The wall in the side of the room rose up to reveal, much to Triard’s shock, a secret passageway.

“Hah told you, secret passageway, yay!” Tribat jumped merrily to his feet and began running down the tunnel humming his own theme music.  Triard followed suit, and chuckled to himself when he noticed the clock on the tunnel wall read 8.00. 

*****

“My, this tunnel is long” Said Triard as he slouched against the wall.

“Yup. Wonder where it leads too, oh, oh maybe there’s a massive underground base, with flashing lights, and monitors, and big buttons labelled ‘DO NOT PUSH’ that just scream ‘press me’!”

“Yeah, they’d be better off if the labelled them “PRESS ME’”.

“Why would that help?”
Triard got up “Never Mind, oh look – I can see a light! Oh, it’s an indoor light” Triard frowned. “Oh well, onward Batman.”
 “You enjoy mocking me don’t you?”

“It’s what gets me through the day” Triard grinned, “Come on, let’s go”
Tribat raised his bread knife in the air and made a forward motion.

“I think we’ve been here before Triard, I recognise that rock, and that one, and that one, AND THAT ONE! No wait my mistake not that one, but THAT ONE!”
 “Really?”
 “Nope, just trying to make some idle chat, ooooo shiny!” Tribat hurried forward to the source of the shiny-ness.  It was a metallic sign with a large red arrow on it pointing upwards.  Attached to the neighbouring ladder was yet another note.

Both Tribat and Triard looked at each other, “Adversaries?!?” They both turned around at once and saw hundreds of beady eyes staring back at them. “Oh shit, CLIMB!”

Tribat began his ascent, quickly followed by Triard “DON’T STOP TO LOOK DOWN YOU FOOL, CLIMB!”

 “I cant, there’s nothing here but ceiling!”
 “What! A trap, damn Hootenanny, that bastard is so gonna get so haunted by me!”
 “Wait, Triard let me sit on your shoulders”
 “Why!?!”
 “I need you to help push me upwards, I think we’re underneath something”
 “Yes, it’s called the earths CRUST.  Ugh, fine, God I never thought I’d die with my head between your legs.” Tribat clambered on top of Triard, and with all strength left in them they pushed. 

“HARDER TRIARD, HARDER!”

“It’s as hard as it will get!”

Suddenly the ceiling gave way and Tribat pulled himself out into fresh air. “Freedom!” he exclaimed in his best Scottish accent.

“Yo, Braveheart, a little help!” Triard was slipping back into the tunnel; whatever was beneath him was clawing at his feet. 

Tribat reached in and grabbed Triard by the arm; managing to leaver himself backwards he pulled Triard to safety.

Triard quickly got off Tribat and nudged the rock that had been blocking the exit of the tunnel back into place. “Wow, that was close”

Triard helped Tribat to his feet “Well Tribat, guess it’s time to work out where we are, and how to get to Cucco Warehouse”

“No need my slow witted chum, for I have led us straight to said warehouse, in fact it is right behind us”

Triard turned around, “Oh, cool, heck I take it all back, you did know what you were doing”
Tribat chuckled to himself as he kicked dirt in the puddle reflection before him.

Spinning upon their heels in a most military man like fashion the duo (who happened to be as dynamic as a flattened car) saw the object which they had come so far to seek. Before them rising into the darkening sky stood the epitome of evil, the Cucco Warehouse. Blackened windows obscured the inside view and a sign above the huge warehouse doors bared the words "Hyrule Exports (Secret Cucco Warehouse)".

Seeing this building for the first time had an adverse effect on Triard, suddenly the skintight rubber suit cradling his buttocks and various gadgetry got at him. He was a hero. He was Triard-Man. Feeling very hero-ee he looked at Tribat, his face was cold, a steely mask of steel.  Slamming his fist into his hand he uttered the words - "Tribat. Time to take out the trash."

"Oh please Triard! We're here to wipe out a mafia not take out their discarded magazines and empty milk bottles! Get it together man. Onward!" and with this Tribat launched himself into a fast paced run towards the warehouse, well as quick a run as someone in a skin tight rubber suit can run, once more humming his theme tune. A quick growl and curse later (as in the swearing kind not the mystical voodoo "You die now!" ones) Triard quickly chased after Tribat only to realise a flaw in Tribat’s... well rather flawed plan.

"Tribat! I hath noticed a flaw in your plan... Oi! Stop humming that blasted song when I'm talking to you..."

Tribat sighed and wiped a tear from his eye "Rubber stains easily alas... what be the flaw in my otherwise perfect plan oh colleague, friend, countryman!"

" ‘Tis sad for me to say, but do we simply plan to stroll merrily unto the warehouse? Surely they shall arrest or peck us on sight!"

"Ah a valid point old chum! But alas fear not all this ye olde speak has not been in vain! For this evil is great, strong, we don't know how to fight it... It may be hard... but there’s one thing more powerful than evil in this world, and that’s us"

With this both Tribat and Triard glanced at the setting sun, their faces looking very mellowy and touched. In fact Triard was touched, so touched in fact he didn't bother mentioned that they knew how to fight it, they knew how to beat it and that Tribat and Triard were anything but more powerful than evil, but what are such niggling points in the face of a great moving speech. And with that Tribat extended his hand to the air, took a deep breath so his chest stood out in his skin tight rubber suit and howled ya as a harpoon shot from his hand hooking itself onto the roof of the warehouse before pulling Tribat onto the roof in true Batman style.

Noticing Triard still upon the grassy plains below Tribat shouted down "OI! Triard we were meant to do that in unison to look cool!"

"But I don't think I got a harpoon shooty thing like you... All  I've managed to find is a toaster"

"OOH! I wish I had a toaster!"

"Well I wish I had a harpoon shooty thing..."

"I'll swap you my harpoon shooty thing for your toaster!"

"Done. But now how am I going to get up there..."

"Oh don't worry" and with that Tribat extended his hand once more and shot the harpoon back in Triard’s direction. Indeed the harpoon landing a centre metre away from his foot. Both frightened and angry Triard slowly looked up to face Tribat.

"You fool of infinite proportions! YOU ALMOST CUT OF MY FOOT."

Tribat noticed something upon Triard’s suit "HEY! Triard the red button, you do have a harpoon thingy! Press the red button!"

Relieved at no longer having to rely on Tribat’s stupidity Triard pressed the red button, which then proceeded to shoot a harpoon into his foot.

Triard let out no sound.  Instead his face contorted into various shapes, reminiscent of one who is chewing a lemon. He slowly pulled the harpoon out of his foot, and letting out his first cry and taking his first breath he screamed “OWWWWW!”

“You fool, you’re meant to hold your hand up when you press the red button, I held mine up – and you call me stupid HAHAHA”

Triard dint know what was worse, the mind numbing pain, or having Tribat call him stupid. “Shut Up, how the hell am I meant to get up now?”

“Umm. You could begin searching and scavenging the area for any and all materials that you could use, and then set about constructing an elaborate ladder, complete with many different shapes and carvings that will be worth a fortune in the future, so that we can latter cash it in and live the life of luxury and then…ARGH!” Tribat jumped as something tapped his shoulder, he spun around quickly only to be face to face with Triard. “Triard did my ladder plan work!!!”

“No, I climbed up the drainpipe, so what we do now?”

“Now we brake into the Cucco warehouse, sneak to the kitchens and store rooms, plant XX0 whatever onto their Cucco feed, and budda budda bing bang wallop, mission accomplished, thank you very much Tribat will have left the building!”

“You know what the sad thing is?”
”No my heroically uneducated accomplish, what?”

“That you really are this moronic.  Seriously we need a plan, there’s only one thing for it, we will have to use our brains”
 “damn!” exclaimed Tribat.

“Let’s see, I was held here once, I must still be able to remember the secret passageway only accessible by rooftop, but where can it be?”
 “Um…the roof?”
 “But where on the roof, damn it Triard think” Triard began wondering around the roof muttering to himself, trying his hardest to remember anything from his deeply buried memories of his Cuccofied days.  Tribat meanwhile was keeping himself amused, searching every crevice of his grotesquely tight hero suit for new and exquisite gadgets and weapons, but what he mostly desired to find was his very own toaster, but to no avail.
 “I’ve Got it!” Triard ran over to the chimney, “see Tribat Cuccos don’t need heating, so why do they have a chimney?”

“To let Santa in, or to possibly burn all evidence of their illegal activities, or perhaps it’s the chimney to the kitchen where thy make the very Cucco feed what we needs to sabotage dadio.!”

“All valid points yes, but I’m sure this is it, tell you what you go first and check it out”

“You go!”
 “Hey you’re the big Hero, Batman never sent Robin in before him now did he…so come along get in”

Tribat bowed his head and slowly made his way over to Triard, “Stupid hero duties.  Remember if I die I want a big memorial service, with trumpets and banners and Princess Zelda crying at my grave.”
 “Two outa three aint bad” Triard muttered to himself as he gave his heroic chum a tap on the back and sent him down the chimney”

Tribat landed. It was quite a fall and he was pleasantly surprised to realise that he hadn't broken anything and indeed was in one piece! A smell of burning rubber filled his nostrils however and he soon understood why, he was sat upon a blazing fire. Leaping from the flames he rolled into an empty room, an empty room filled with statues of Cuccos, terrifying statues with glowing red eyes and big pointy beaks! Rubbing his now slightly charred rubber posterior Tribat realised just how disgruntled he was at Triard for making him come down the chimney, and payback always was sweet.

"Yoo-hoo, Triard oh buddy oh pal, your right it was a secret entrance! Come on down" Tribat called while placing a few more logs upon the fire and lining one of the evil Cucco statues with the glowing red eyes and big pointy beaks up in front of the fire, with a chortle and a laugh Tribat took a step back and waited for the smell of burning rubber.

THUD! There was a thud, and a whoosh and then the statue in front of the fire exploded! All this and not one scream of shock, surprise or pain... Tribat was most disappointed. Curious he quizzed Triard. "So Triard, how did you not get burnt? And didn't the statue scare you".  Triard let out a light laugh, light as Diet Coke "Well during my descent I noticed the flames and activated my Triard-Man Water Pistol, positioned in the crotch department rather ironically. When I saw the statue I took it to be real and shot it with my laser gun thus it exploded. I must say I make a great super hero!"

Tribat was stunned, astonished, baffled... "You have a laser gun... But we're in medieval Hyrule"

"Yes. I also have a toaster, Electric Oven and Electric Keyboard. Go Figure."

"Where’s your laser gun...?" Tribat was obviously getting big on the jealousy vibe.

"In my right nipple to be precise, I just tap it and bam! Stuff explodes."

"Hmm, I wonder what my right nipple does...?" Curious Tribat poked his right nipple and as he did so a rocket pack emerged from the back of his suit, activated and shot him upwards (into the ceiling). Tapping his nipple once more the rockets deactivated and he fell to the floor with a clatter and a bang.

"Ow..." with that Triard knocked Tribat upon his already sore head.

"Stop playing around, we must stop the Cucco Mafia!"

And so they left the Cucco shrine, sneaking through the corridors, with a dive here, a roll there and a few cartwheels and back flips around corners until they came to what they believed to be the kitchen.  “Well here we are Triard, now I take it you know the code to this rather elaborate and shiny lock”
 “What, a lock, what possible reason would there be to have a big lock on the kitchen door! As if we don’t have enough to deal with”.  Triard immediately crouched down and began turning the padlocks knob “001, no, 002, damn – If only I had some way of opening it, a lock pick perhaps, or…even better” Triard got up, “stand back Tribat, its time to use the nipple of destruction!” He tapped his right nipple and the laser activated, he positioned his torso so he could cut the lock, two seconds later the lock fell to the floor with a clatter and a crash that echoed throughout the entire complex, the Warehouse had been alerted to their visitors.

Tribat rushed forward and tried to force open the door, “Triard, your never gonna believe this, the door, it’s still LOCKED!”

Suddenly a siren blew, a Siren made entirely of Cucco clucks and cries.  Mechanically operated steal doors dropped into place around our two heroes.  “Well Triard, I think they’re onto us.”
 “Do you now”, Triard dropped to the floor, “why Tribat, why just for once cant something go right? It seems our lives are nothing but turmoil and never ending oddities that half the time we don’t understand!” He began punching the wall, there was a crunch soon followed by a click as one of the bricks gave way.  The kitchen door sprung open. “See Tribat, good things do happen to us!” Tribat skipped merrily content into the kitchen, little did he know of the great Cucco Chef, Sanders, a colonel in the great Cucco Army, trained to kill with a single peck, who was hiding in wait for the intruders.

The kitchen was a silvery mass of pots, pans and other things that generally seem in their right place when in the kitchen. Tribat and Triard scanned the area for the Cucco feed which they so desperately needed to find. Noticing a sack labelled Cucco Feed Tribat immediately realised that was most likely what they sought!

Rushing to the bag he grabbed at it, and as he did so an evil cackling, no... an evil clucking was heard behind him! Triard spun on his heels, the blood gushing through his veins faster than the night express on the 511 line. He felt his heart beat, faster, faster and faster yet.

Before him, rising high up into the air stood the UBER-CHICKEN: Infernal Long Over descriptive boss name of doom (Colonel Sanders for short). Triard gulped and spoke, his voice broken and frayed. "Tribat, you know what we must do now!"

Tribat nodded solemnly "Fight this monstrosity like the heroes we are, howl cool phrases like "YOU KILLED ME FATHER" and destroy it and all evil for all eternity."

Triard raised an eyebrow "NO! Run you fool!"

Tribat nodded quicker "That sounds like a much better plan... but for some reason I suddenly expected you to drop in a big chasm or something but ya know... things ha..."

Triard howled. "RUN!"

And so they did, our two heroes took off at a rather quick pace (once more I must reiterate that quick for two people in rubber suits isn’t as quick as quick is for two people not in rubber suits and definitely not as quick as quick is for people in jet planes.) behind them the booming footsteps of Colonel Sanders followed and soon our heroes were tired and had to stop for a rest, and much like the hare and the tortoise in that famous tale of deceit and heartbreak, colonel sanders caught up with our heroes.

"I shall eat you, then poop you, then eat you once more!" he bellowed.

Tribat made a disgusted sound "Isn't that a bit unhygienic"

"Not really as I see it if you came out of me why can't you go back in?"

Triard cocked his head "Yes but we go in like us, we came out brown, that’s why."

"Fine, I shall eat you, then poop you, then like cover you in burning hot batter?"

Triard sighed and turned to Tribat "We hath no where to run, nothing to do, there is only one thing for it..."

Tribat nodded solemnly "Fight this monstrosity like the heroes we are, howl cool phrases like "YOU KILLED ME FATHER" and destroy it and all evil for all eternity."

"Well I was going to suggest sacrificing you and allowing me to make a daring courageous escape but I suppose we could try that out first" agreed Triard.

"YOU KILLED ME FATHER!" Tribat howled, fury boiled in his body and with a gigantic effort he pressed his nipple, with fist high in the air and dramatic superhero face he lifted off into the air to fight Colonel Sanders.

Hovering a mere 2 feet off the floor Tribat began circling the gargantuan Cucco of death.  Triard was shouting words of support as Colonel Sanders was watching Tribat circle him. But suddenly, as if some sudden dramatically ironic twist of fate, Tribat fell to the floor - a large wing print strewn across his face.

Triard rushed over to his fallen comrade and helped him to his feet, “Curse Colonel Sander’s Cucco Wings of death!”  Triard left Tribat fall back to the ground as he reached for his water pistol.  Rolling across the floor he began firing shots towards this poultry monstrosity.  Colonel Sanders brushed it off, and with a laugh as deep as Frank Bruno and James Earl Jones’ love child he hit Triard across the room.  Triard fell next to Tribat.  Once again the duo were up a very large creek, and with no paddle in sight all they could do was await their execution.  Then suddenly Triard had an idea.

“Tribat quick, reach for your chemical!”

“I don’t know where it is!”

“Then find it you monkey brained buffoon, QUICKLY!”

“Ok, fine, I’ll rummage.” Tribat began searching every crevice of his suit as quickly as he could.  Whilst trying to mentally recollect where he had previously found it Triard produced his own chemical, the highly volatile mentioned XX-01.  With a sigh of relief Tribat produced his phial of XX-02. “Right Triard, what next?”

Triard handed Tribat his phial of XX-01, “When I jump and distract this overgrown fox feast you quickly throw both chemicals at him”.

“But weren’t we specifically warned not to do that?!?”

“We are about to be killed by a 12 foot chicken, and you want to worry about specifics now?!? Just do it!

Triard got to his feet, “Oi! You poor excuse for a bucket meal! Over here!” Triard dived between the Colonel's legs and landed the other slid to the other side of the room.  “Come on fatty, let’s go for it you and me” Triard assumed default-fighting stance whilst Tribat hurriedly rose to his feet and began to aim.  Suddenly flash backs off the torch incident filled his mind.

“Tribat, about the plan, now may be a good Time!” The Colonel made a lunge and Triard and sent him flying into the wall. “Tribat…*Cough* now!!!”
 “I cant do it, I’m not made for this superhero malarkey”
 “Just throw the damn things!”

 Expecting a heart felt and harrowing speech Tribat was taken completely by surprise, filled with a new anger and a new rage he hurled both phials directly for Triard.  Thankfully due to his terrible aim both phial reared off course and hit the Colonel squarely in the back.  Wreathed in a blue mystical smoke the Uber-Cucco fell.  He had been defeated by a complete idiot.  No evil henchmen could ever recover from such a travesty.

Tribat walked up to the fallen Uber chicken and planted a rubber laced boot firmly in it's stomach "All's well that ends well" he mutters with a smile. Of course Triard wasn't smiling...

"Burning Kokiri tree houses Tribat! What the hell are you on about! This isn't the en-"

"Oh yes I know Triard my buddy, it isn't the end "We've only just begun" and all that such nonsense yes?"

"NO! I mean we seriously haven't finished, we got to poison the feed remember..."

"Oh yea well, tell you what... You get on with that and I'll go home."

"But..." Triard’s fury had subsided with utter disbelief "You can't go home, that’s not part of the plan! You aren't allowed to!"

"Yes I can... watch" Tribat began walking home.

"But I can't end it on my own! I mean we don't have the chemicals! We chucked them remember".

"La La La La I'm not listening" hummed a rather insensitive Tribat.

"That's it! I've had enough of this! I QUIT!"

Tribat froze. He turned, his face laced with disbelief "You can't quit!"

"Watch me."

"But... but... err... I really should justify my point right about no-"

"Aah Mr Tribat, and Mr Triard... I've been expecting you" the voice was female, it was sly, it was slinky it was everything you'd expect from a Russian female bond villain. It was Chicken lady.

"But...But..."

"I believe the word you are looking for Tribat is "Bollocks"..."

"Ah…Bollocks."

Tribat turned to Triard; they stared deep into each other’s eyes and nodded solemnly. They had learnt, they had become. They were Tribat and Triard. They turned as one to face the evil before them, the despicable Chicken Lady. Slamming his fist into his palm Tribat growled, "You've picked the wrong day to mess with us Chicken lady."

She raised an eyebrow "I didn't pick this day, you’re the ones who broke into my warehouse you idiots"

"Oh! You hear that Triard, she called us idiots."

"Indeed my ole chum, you know what we do to people who call us idiots Chicken lady?"

She chuckled "Not entirely sure but I'm sure it has something to do with boring them to death with idiotic banter"

"HAH! More fool you, that’s only when we are feeling merciful!" spat back Tribat.

"Tribat speaks the truth, you see there is one gadget our suits bear that you cannot defeat, that you cannot resist... that shall defeat you!"

Chicken lady began to lose confidence "hah! As if my enemies stop fooling yourself!"

Triard smirked and slowly walked forward "I kid you not! A gadget so unique, so powerful that it shall destroy the Cucco mafia, and we shall obliterate all evil for eternity! Tribat... unleash the X5039!"

Tribat nodded and howled "EAT DOUGHNUTS SCUMBAG!" As he activated his in built doughnut Toaster/Ejector which began firing little rings of goodness at Chicken lady.

Of course you should now be aware as the clever reader that you are that Tribat had obviously mixed up x5039 with x5040, and Triard was quite aware of the mix-up. Quite aware and indeed quite angry.

"X5039 YOU IDIOT! 39! NOT 40! GRRR"

As the doughnuts fell from the sky all around Chicken Lady cackled "FOOLS! You think your doughnuts can hurt one such as me-" due to the humour/cruelty/insanity of the gods at this moment a stale doughnut hit her squarely on the head rendering her unconscious.

Triard's eyes widened in quite blatant wonder "Well that went well"

“Indeed, Can I go now?”

“No you cant, now come on we have work to do!” Triard grabbed Tribat by the collar and threw him into the kitchen. “Now we need to think”
 “DAM!” they uttered in unison

“What, Tribat, did XX01 and XX02 do, and what one were we meant to use?”

 “Dunno, but sufficed to say, neither are useful at this time. But look around there must be something we can do”

Triard stood there, jaw a-gap at the sheer shock, “Wow Tribat, you said ‘sufficed!’ “

“Yes I did, I have no idea what it means mind”
 “Nor me, but it sounds good” Triard began to examine the kitchen as closely as he could. Nose mere millimetres from the work surfaces he peered into every nook and cranny.

“Nope, there’s bugger all here, well apart from a few old manikin heads and other body parts, obviously the results of some practical joke the Cuccos liked to perform.”
Tribat walked over to Triard, a look of failure about him, he rubbed his leg with his other foot. “Triard let’s go home, I mean, will the Zora’s ever know?”
 “Actually, you have a good point.”
 “Cool, I mean…I know”

“They wouldn’t know, we could say we planted the chemical – they would think they are to blame for it not working!”
 Suddenly as if from nowhere a loud voice suddenly boomed “YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING, YOU MADE A PROMISE AND YOU WILL STICK TO IT! – I HAVE SPOKEN”

Tribat and Triard arose from their knees, “Sorry God!” they shouted in unison, before heading towards the warehouse’s main chamber.  The Cuccos lead unconscious they hoped the minions would be at a loss.  IT was time to beat the Cuccos once and for all, this time from the outside in, instead of the Zora’s inside out method of food contamination. The decision was made. Double doors were smashed open together, one after another as Tribat and Triard made their way to the high chamber.  It was time to get even. God had made them decide, he had given them the ultimate idea, their plan was forged, soon the Cuccos would fall, Tribat and Triard would be hero’s amongst the Zora’s – Hootenanny would consider his debt repaid.

Meanwhile, over a hill and far away could be seen the most terrible sight imaginable. A fear unbeknownst to such a culture. Red handbags and magical balls wielded by such fearsome foes, the Telletubies had come to HYRULE!!! – (ok, I was kidding, here’s what really happened. *Shudders* that is actually pretty scary!)

Meanwhile, over a hill and far away could be seen the distant silhouette of a Zora paying off a small child like person, who appeared to be carrying a large Megaphone.

Tribat and Triard emerged upon an obscure balcony.  To the far side of the room below stood a stage, the curtains remained closed.  The masses of Cucco bodies stood below, facing the stage, swaying slowly side-to-side singing a simple anthem. Undoubtedly awaiting the arrival of their leader, to receive their next assignments and their evening meals.

“Triard look, That’s where I got in before, the wire is still there!”

“Yes, but it still only goes halfway.  We have to get down in a way that will take them by surprise.” They examined the area, turned to one another and gave a solemn nod. “Well Triard, I hope this works”

“It’s got to work!”

As one they dived over the balcony, Triard dived for the remaining wire.  Tribat on the other hand continued to fall.  He landed straddling a Cucco’s neck.

Triard remained swinging from the wire above before finally diving off to the other end of the hall. Together they began moving from their opposite sides towards one another. Tackling Cucco after Cucco they continued onward, pressing nipple after nipple and discharging weapon after weapon.  Eventually they met in the centre of the room.

“Ha ha, a job well done my heroic Chum”
 “Um, Tribat…?”
 “What?”
 “I’m beginning to think that centre of room thing was a bad idea.”
 The Cuccos manoeuvred in around the two intruders, blocking any and all escape routes. Tribat and Triard were trapped. Their plan had failed.

Suddenly the room was plunged into darkness, clucks of hysteria filled the large chamber, a single spotlight illuminated the stage as the curtains flew open. “Chicken Lady!” Tribat spat.
 “No…not Chicken Lady” a deep voice chuckled back. “Not Chicken Lady at all” The mysterious figure laughed once more as he edged forward into the light.  His face obscured by some form of hat he uttered, “So, Tribat and Triard, you fell into my trap.” He tilted his face towards the light. The two humans gasped as the sheer shock of the person before them filtered through their systems, before gasping in horror “General!”

Tribat and Triard turned at once to face the camera, well, the camera that would be there was this a movie/TV show and not a book:

"Dear readers, at this point we feel it is important to point out a very important messa-" Triard began, only to be interrupted by the ever-excitable Tribat.

"Indeed good sirs! An important message, we, we being Tribat and Triard, do not in any way condone the beating up of harmless innocent Cuccos! So don't. Beating up harmless innocent Cuccos is mean and evil and if you beat them up you'll have US to deal with!"

"Oh yea Tribat, careful now we don't want to scare them too much..." Triard said with a dry smile.

"Are you trying to imply that we aren't intimidating?"

"I'm not implying it, I'll say it flat out, we are about as intimidating as a bag of fur in a black dustbin. Tribat you have the muscular ability of a frog, NAY! A worm..."

"Yes ok, I get your point. Also don't use your nipple weapons on innocent Cuccos! That’s not nice neither..."

"Tribat I don't think they have nipple weapons..."

"Oh please EVERYONE has nipple weapons, anyways back to the action..." and with this our two heroes turned away from the camera and quickly readjusted themselves to their roles.

Hootenanny stepped forward once more, his face shrouded by shadow, eyes of evil piercing their way through the darkness.

"About bloody time, I thought you were going to start reciting Gilbert and Sullivan or something for the readers then... I don't have all bloody day you know! I've got a very important doctors appointment with the Castle Surgeon soon!"

"Uh yea... whatever..." said a baffled Tribat "Um, Yes YOUR EVIL PLAN SHALL NEVER SUCEED YOU DASTARDLY SCUM!"

Tribat and Triard turned to each other and slowly nodded, a realisation coming to them. The realisation happened to be that they spend altogether far too much time solemnly nodding to each other and having realisations.

"So tell us fiend!" howled Triard as the Cuccos began closing on him "Were you in league with Chickenlady? Do you command her! Tell us?"

A bitter laugh bellowed from the dastardliest General Hootenanny "Command her! She is now my prisoner! You idiots have delivered the Cucco Mafia Army to me, and now I shall rule Hyrule!" saying this he pulled a large wire which activated all sorts of mechanisms, while this was going on Tribat had squared his shoulders and tapped Triard.

"YOU RAAAAAANGGGGG" he said in a rather monotonous voice. Had this been an anime a large sweat drop would have appeared on Triard’s head at this particular moment.

"I know he pulled a large rope but now is not the time for Lurch impressions Tribat, although they are rather spiffy".

The mechanisms stopped and a large curtain fell revealing a caged Chickenlady who lay there weeping, a soft sound broke her lips, a tiny cluckish noise. Something clicked in Triard; in fact he was very tempted to solemnly nod at Tribat so he could have a realisation.

"Tribat" the word was dead, monotonous "Give me your jetpack"

"Okily Dokey Buddy-o" said an oddly joyous Tribat who quickly unhooked his pack giving it to Triard.

Triard strapped the device on and rocketed over to the cage, over the ravenous Cuccos below! Stopping by the cage he ran up and threw his arms through...

"CHICKENLADY!"

"TRIARD!"

"I've been so foolish, all this time I thought you an enemy yet all this time... I've had feelings for you..."

"Alas my sweet, sweet Triard, I too have feelings for you... the trying to kill you and stuff - OH it was all a cover!"

"Now we realise and yet now we are forced apart" Triard curled a fist hurling it to the air "OH Cruel Fate how I despise you"

"You must leave my love! Hootenanny is mad! Evil! Bent on being mad and Evil! It is not safe for you here... run!"

"But... oh my love but I cannot leave thee.... I must save you somehow..."

"I cannot ask such of you, leave, save yourself I beg of you" the two embraced, a loving hug.

Hootenanny chortled "Enough of this" with that ominous announcement he pulled another lever... the floor beneath the cage fell through! Falling into the abyss Chickenlady grabbed hold of the metal bars at the bottom of the cage, holding on for dear life.

"Run you fools!" she muttered... before falling into the darkness below.

Triard turned from the cage to Hootenanny. His eyes were afire with rage and anger, darkness and fury and all things fiery. A voice broke his lips, not the voice of Triard the fun friend of Tribat, but the voice of Triard the betrayed, Triard the Pissed Off. "Tribat... Give me your bread knife."

"Will do Buddy-o,” muttered Tribat as he pulled his bread knife out of some hidden crevice somewhere (this is actually a clever plot device to make up for the fact we haven't mentioned Tribat having his bread knife before!). He chucked it to Triard who caught it with steely determination, so steely he didn't even remark on Tribat’s over-using of the word "Buddy-o".

"You play the Zora’s against the Cuccos and we fall back, you draft us into the army and make us do ridiculous stuff and we fall back, you steal our newspaper and we fall back. NO MORE! Here we make a stand. Never Again! I am Ahab and by gosh darnit you are my whale! I shall follow you to the depths of Pernulda Ocean, around the stars of Vergas and to the deserts of Gerudo. Hootenanny. Now, you, DIE!" With this Triard rushed, much to the amazement of everyone, Cuccos and Tribat alike. Triard swung the Bread-Knife in an arc and howled and as he did so an energy beam of fire shot from the sword in an arc.

Triard stopped dead "When did this thing learn to do that!"

Tribat turned to the nearest Cucco, beaming with pride he spoke "Oh my Bread knifes all grown up" his lip quivered and a tear rolled down his face.

Hootenanny, remembering years of Hylian training and his equally fantastic street life of his youth, which can be read about in the soon to be released auto-biography “Evil In Me – A Generals Story” immediately dived out of the way of the oncoming beam. “You were a failure as a soldier, and a failure in life you pathetic worm. That poultry excuse for a human has you under her spell again you weak minded impotent shneizenhousen!”
 “Your words, be they like acid, affect my mind not. Evil shall ultimately fall in this land of turmoil, you, Hootenanny shall hence fall and this land shall return to its days of former glory, and of peace and prosperity.  Be it not by my hand or the hand of thy comrade, then be it by another’s”

 “Who, that pathetic sissy boy of a tight wearer you intolerant smelly poo!!”

“Link, hell no, that kid is about as much good as a bent spoon!”

“Well, Triard” Hootenanny spat every syllable of his name, “This other is not here, so come on SOLDIA SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT YOU SNIVELLING COWARD!”

Triard span about as he raised the sword yet again.  Determination swelling in his face, hysteria swelling in his brain, turmoil swelling in his heart, thoughts of Chicken Lady swelling in his other regions.  He swung down upon Hootenanny, who, with a 360 over-the-head under-the-arm flip flop manoeuvre of ’83 blocked his every move with his trusty Sword, branded with the Hylian coat of arms and stained with the blood of no-one,(he was never much of a hands-on general, well, until now). “Insolent FOOL! You cannot defeat the might of the army you have now delivered to me. You shall perish by their hand…feathers of DOOM! Nay I defeat you!”

Tribat was doing the best to keep his calm, surrounded by all these Cuccos. Several attempts to activate many different weapons, both nipple and unmentionable were foiled by feisty pecks and clucks of DOOM!

(it is at this point dear reader I must stress, the over emphasis of the word DOOM is in no way accidental, we just like saying it, like MURDER during a thunder storm. Very sad, yet ultimately satisfying)

Hootenanny and Triard continued battling, the bitter clash of metal and latex as it stretched was not a pleasant combination, but all the same it rang throughout the abandoned manikin warehouse like the cries of a poor child who gets handed a chocolate factory just for returning a bloody gobstopper!  Everlasting my behind!!!!!

“Triard, I had you all wrong, those days in the locked toilets all alone with Bubba, in a pink apron and hat did you the world of good. But alas escape you shall not!”

Hootenanny turned to the crowd of hungry Cuccos, “Cucco Subjects, I was but the learner, but now I am the MASTER! BOW DOWN TO ME WORTHLESS PECKERS, THESE TWO SORRY SUBJECTS WERE SENT TO DESTROY YOU –I SAVED YOU, KILL THEM NOW AND THERE SHALL BE A FEAST LIKE NO OTH…” Tribat had rushed forward and tattled Hootenanny to the ground. “Worthless indeed!”

Hootenanny tilted his head, facing the Cuccos he screamed, louder than he has ever screamed before “CHARGE!!!!!”

The large wooden doors newly repaired from the previous attack burst open. The Hylian guard rushed forth once again, chasing Cucco after Cucco.

“But…but”

Triard , placing one foot upon Hootenanny’s back turned to him “The Word, General Dear, is “Bollocks”

“Bollocks! - The Hylian guard, what a laughing stock, “I’ll be okay now leave me” ‘but general you may get hurt’ STUPID LITTLE ENGRAIDS!!!”

Hootenanny leapt to his feet, sending Triard hurtling backwards, he hit his head squarely against a wooden beam, Tribat also fell to the ground. “General NO!” With a puff of smoke Hootenanny removed the pipe from his mouth “Yes, I have heard all the horror stories, NOTHINGS going to make ME give up!”

He turned and departed at a semi fast paced walk. When convinced he was out of site he ran as fast as he could, removed the steering lock from his horse and rode back to Hyrule castle as fast as his carrots would last him.

Meanwhile back in the warehouse Tribat and Triard were left there stunned.  Hylian Guards were disappearing beneath masses of Cuccos, feathers and helmets flew freely through the air. 

“Can we go home NOW?!?”

“Yeh, I think we really should” Triard turned to Tribat solemnly “Tribat, I feel so dirty, so used!”

“You should, you’re a big slut”

“I am not!”

“And honestly what do you see in Chicken Lady! A woman with a poultry fetish for crying out loud!”

“I think we should go”

They both made their way through the masses of fighting Cuccos and Hylian’s, ignoring the Clucks and cries of pain they exited the warehouse

“Well I am glad that’s over, plus we get to keep the spiffy suits!”

“Yeh, they are kinda cool now our lives aren’t in danger”

They began walking in the general direction of Kokiri Forest, when out of nowhere they were jumped.  A large figure emerged from the shadows, “I believe you two are found, right now, at this very moment, this very instance, this split second of which all time points to now”
 “DON FISHIVANNI!!” The shouted in unison, before turning to each other, and with a solemn nod realising that the time spent together had done more than give them the unique nod and realise ability, but extended to their speech as well.

“You two have done well, the Cucco army is in turmoil, and so is the Hylian guard once again, it shall take months to de-cuccofy them, and those that do not go A.W.A.L from fright will never be the same again. You have killed two birds with one stone, and accomplished more than we ever deemed possible.” He handed Tribat a cage, “You will need this soon”

“What for?”
 “You shall see”

 With that Triard jumped as something rubbed up against his leg, beginning to fear it may be Ruto he recoiled in terror, only to discover a nice, life-size Cucco (when we say life-size we mean as they should be, the cute little thing you pick up and fly with) Tribat bent down and scooped it into the cage. “Geese Don, how d’ya know”
 “I'm facing this way, I can see behind you, you shmuck.”

Triard leaned in and noticed the gold tag hanging from a collar around the Cucco’s neck “Colonel Sanders! HA, that’s what XX01 and 02 do when mixed, fancy that!”

“Of course that’s what they do, didn’t you read the manual? – VULVA! – Prepare to depart! – Come Tribat and Triard of Kokiri, and now honorary Zora’s!

Triard shot a cautionary glance towards a rather joyous Tribat.

"Er of course we read the manual, but you know me and Tribat here! Memory like Goldfishes!"

The Don's eyes narrowed almost violently, hell when they narrow violence tends to happen soon after anyway. "I'll have you know Goldfishes have exceedingly good memories, my great, great grand uncle is one and he never forgot my birthday, not once, not even a minute smallest amount of time possible. Ever."

Tribat nodded and slung an arm around the Don and snapped his fingers in a most snappy way "Hey no need to get uptight now buddy-o, lets just go to your home now hmm? Sounds nice"

Had the Don's eyes not been minute lines from having been narrowed to such a degree they would have narrowed a considerable site more "Remove… Your... Arm" his voice was harsh, menacing, as cold as Triard on a particularly cold night when Tribat had stole his blanket and hidden it.

Tribat barked a laugh "Or what? I'm going to be sleeping with the fishes?".

Of course all hint of a smile evaporated from Tribat’s face when the Don replied a quite affirmative "Yes."

So our heroes and their newfound "friends" made their way to Zora's Domain. A long walk, a bit of chatter and a guitar solo later they were once more among the Zora’s. They were offered a considerable dinner, all lush and the like which Triard, whom had been starving for the past few hours accepted gladly. Sadly the offer was withdrawn when Tribat asked if they served fish and if so could he have his battered.

Tribat and Triard sat outside among the rocks, idly skipping stones across the water. The sun started to fall when Tribat saw something glinting just behind a rock, intrigued he leapt at it and pulled the rock away revealing a small metallic silver device with the words "TMS - Property of Shadow" engraved upon it.

"Triard" the hushed whisper voice of Tribat broke through the all encompassing calm.

"Yep Tribat?" came the reply.

"Come over here a minute" he said while picking up the communicator and rolling it about in his hand.

"Hey... that's... I remember those..."

"Yep that's right, Shadow must have left it here during my first mission to Hyrule to find Ganondorf..."

The two turned to face each other, their eyes met and they both nodded quite solemnly, realisation dawning upon both of them.